Quarrel Among Kingdoms and A Small Time Oportunist
by Travis1
Summary: If Gaia was home to anyone humerous besides Tauntilus, this is how the story would be.


Disclaimer: Overall, I do not take credit for Final Fantasy IX any more than Weird Al Yankovich takes credit for the songs that he makes parodies of. Also, I hate lawyers, so don't read this if you are one!  
  
Final Fantasy IX-Quarrel Among Kingdoms And A Small Time Opportunist Named Kuja  
  
Chapter 1: A Demoralizing Gang  
  
Late in the afternoon, a teenage princess is sleeping in nightmare. Aided by her unexplainable terror of big red eyes and her unusually habit of sleeping while sitting upright in a chair, her mind was bringing her the horrific dream of being caught in a dinghy during a hurricane at sea. All the meanwhile, a really ugly looking eye was overseeing the whole event. Quite the creative nightmare. Finally, she awakes and peers out her window at a flock of birds flying off their perch on the insanely huge castle she had been lucky enough to grow up in. A few minutes later, the birds approach a mysterious and beautiful flying object in the sky. Unfortunately, they had little knowledge of the dangers of airships and were immediately sucked into and chopped up in the humungous propellers that ran it. Down below the decks, a freak with a tail and a bad hair duo walks down a hallway and into a small room. After peering around aimlessly in the dark and finally getting the sense to light a candle to see, he meets up with a few of his well known idiot comrades. Before any pleasantries can be exchanged though, danger approaches. An overweight mutant with a plastic dinosaur head approaches and begins to attack. At first, they seemed to be doomed to death. However, Blank (one of the comrades), says to the others,  
  
"Hey everyone, look what I found near that stupid iceberg all those idiots at Esto Gaza stare at!"  
  
Forgetting that they were still being attacked and that they were already K/Oed, the others stared at the huge weapon Blank held up. In shining letters on it, was written ULTIMA WEAPON.  
  
"Let's try it out!"  
  
Blank ran up to the mutant intruder and immediately proceeded to slash it with the weapon. A flash of light and the strange appearance of the floating number "9999" later, the intruder was defeated. As a matter of fact, he was dead! The amazing power of their new weapon, much more powerful than the daggers and mage mashers that they usually stole from the Lindblum Dollar Store, had chopped off the mask and head of the attacker to reveal the decapitated corpse of their leader Baku!  
  
"What have we done?!," the semi-retarded group sang in unison.  
  
All of a sudden, a purple ooze began spilling out from Baku's body and proceeded to form into the ghost of Baku.  
  
"You bunch of !@#$%^&*()_+. You were supposed to defeat me! Not kill me! Where the hell did you get a weapon that actually does something?  
  
"Damn I thought we actually got rid of him there for a second," Marcus (another part of the retard team) whispered to the others.  
  
"I heard that!," Baku's ghost screeched, "I never go away! Never! Now get your asses in that closet over there so we can plan our attack on Alexandria.  
  
"Alexandria?", they chimed once again, "Who in the world would go after that crap hole? The castle's okay I guess, but the town is loser Ville!  
  
"Ah shut up. One more crack out of any of you and I'll send you all to Condie Petie to live with my cousins!"  
  
This threat was absolutely vile, and enough to shut them up immediately.  
  
"Besides," Baku continued, "the only thing we're taking from Alexandria is the one half way decent thing living there.  
  
"Ruby?," Zidane asked. He had been quiet for a long time.  
  
"No way!," Baku snorted, "That accent is so fake and all she does is talk! We're going after Princess Garnet.  
  
"Ohhhh," they murmured in realization. After all, she was considered the find of the century. Never before had such an insanely ugly person (Queen Brahn) given birth to such a beautiful daughter. It was every loser's dream to be with her.  
  
"So here's what we'll do!," Baku interrupted the tranquility with his ear splitting voice, "You all have 5 minutes to rehearse, make costumes, and memorize lines for the Alexandrian favorite "I want to be your buzzard." Now get to work!  
  
"Wait a second!," Blank chimed in, "Why don't we just kill everyone with the Ultima Weapon? It worked on you!"  
  
"Because I'm the boss and if I want to command you to do something stupid, I can! Zidane! throw that Ultima Weapon overboard. It's annoying to look at the weapon of my demise.  
  
"But sir! That weapon could kill any monster we ever run into!"  
  
"I said throw it overboard!"  
  
"Stupid son of a *****," Zidane mumbled under his breath while throwing their new weapon out over the deck and into Chocobo Forest under them. A distant slash and squawking could be heard and then a moogle could be seen flying up approaching the air ship.  
  
"You killed Choco and now I'm gonna kill you!," the moogle screamed.  
  
"Agh moogles are certainly annoying, "Zidane muttered as he picked up a shot gun left by the famous Irvine of the last generation and shot the moogle out of the air.  
  
"I'll get you," he bellowed as he went spiraling into the Evil Forest below. After a few screams and crunching noises, it was all over for the poor, disgruntled moogle. On to Alexandria. 


End file.
